My NaNoWriMo features

Hi everyone, welcome back. 

For a couple of weeks I've wondered if I was finished with my little serial, 'Me, Myself & I'; but then I realised I would need to leave it a little more open in case I wanted to add a little more to it, like now. 

I suffer from Stress, Anxiety and Depression - not a great combination. Some aspects flare up more than others and at different times. This whole pandemic thing has not helped matters at all I can assure you of that. 

My other half has spent a lot of time away from the flat as he has caring responsibilities with a relative, but this in itself has created challenges for me, some that I'm still coming to terms with. Sadly for me, my family wasn't that close and so I am not used to having family be the centre point of my life - a long story in itself. Having my other half constantly making trips to see his relative and stay away for days at a time, only coming back maybe once a week or so has been really hard for me and something that has not really helped our relationship much at all. 

We've had a lot of arguments (if you count me shouting at him an argument) but nothing has changed, he is still going off for days at a time. 

He took me to Ikea on Saturday - the first time I have left the flat in weeks - literally not been out myself since the start of May! I actually liked that it was quieter in Ikea - I could look around without being rushed along in the crowds, I wasn't being jostled. I was being rushed by him though - my other half is not the most patient of people and has a tendancy to wander off when i'm talking to him, or I might look around to say something to him and he's gone again. Not a good look, standing there talking to yourself in Ikea, let me tell you. 

Yesterday, I was in a really dark place. I didn't want to be here at all yesterday. I just wanted to be gone out of the way. I couldn't think of any reason for me to be alive. My relationship was going downhill, I have no friends in London as I'm making to move away from my hometown of Nottingham, I have no contact with my family, what family I have left, I feel like I'm still grieving those I lost 5 years ago and I just wanted to be gone too. This was huge for me. I haven't been in that dark a place for a very long time and I scared myself when I realised to myself just how much I meant my thoughts. 

Why am I still here today then? I asked myself that first thing this morning. Truth is, I don't know. I've told my other half that I'm not happy in our relationship and that I was going to leave him, but in my head, I'm saying "I've given 5 1/2 years to this relationship. Fought so damned hard to make this work. I'm not giving up now". I know if I do leave him, that would be the end for me. I was alone for more than 10 years when I met him and I know I wouldn't find anyone else like him. 

This isn't a pity party by a long chalk. This is me being realistic to myself. I recognised I was feeling bad, feeling really down and just had to let myself feel it for a while. I cried my heart out, making myself look raw and in pain because I was. Then I turned my anger around and out of myself, channelled it into being productive instead. I literally moved things about in the flat, relaying the living room so I could at things from a new view, give the room a different perspective and I love it. 

Have I learned anything new this last weekend? Don't give up. I want to marry the man I'm with one day and I want us to make a life together. But he needs to learn too. He needs to learn how close to the edge I was on Sunday and count his blessings I am here today. 

Look after each other, stay safe. x

Welcome back, thank you for joining me again. 

Another week or so has passed since my last edition of this series and certainly more changes are afoot. 

The balcony work that has been taking place over the last few weeks is very close to completion, just a couple of last minute things to do. We've moved onto the next room to be changed and already half of the room has been painted. The rest has to wait until pieces of furniture have been moved, curtains taken down. 

Funny isn't it how a change of room colour can make such a difference to how you feel. The new colour while neutral in tone, makes me feel calmer, but has a warmth about it. Really gives a new look to the room. 

I ought to talk to you about the tragic events in the USA, by that I refer to the loss of Mr Floyd. As someone who grew up being told about Apartheid in South Africa, the Nazis in Germany, the seemingly constant war in Iran & Iraq, I am saddened and disgusted that there is still such atrocities taking place. 

ALL lives matter, regardless of colour, creed, sex, religion or anything else. You can be polka dot or covered in deckchair stripes for all I care - I'll be your friend if your decent and polite with me as I am with you. I have pet hates, people being ignorant or rude being just a couple, but I accept everybody. There is not one person on this earth who has the right to say that they deserve to live more than another. Yes War happens, I understand that, but on the streets of the USA, or England or anywhere.... 

We've all seen the various footage with Mr Floyd and we've all seen how brutal and horrific is it. My thoughts and prayers are with Mr Floyd's family at this awful time and I truly hope that you can find peace one day. I will never understand how the actions that lead to the loss of Mr Floyd were deemed to be acceptable by those responsible and I am not going to try to understand either. Nobody should be treated in that manner. 

I don't condone the riots though, nor the vandalism. Instead of living in the present and understanding that the past is exactly that, that the past itsef cannot be changed, riots take place and monuments vandalised or destroyed. Do you think that the vandalism is really going to help? Is it going to make the difference you're crying out for? Would you want others to go out and trash the towns and cities if you were the one who'd lost your life? I doubt it. 

I understand the cause. I understand the need to express the hurt and anger that is felt becuase of the senseless loss of Mr Floyd, but find another way. Sign petitions, hold a vigil. But don't let anyone else get hurt in riots or such - where is the point in that. 

Please stay safe, look after each other x

Hi everyone, thanks for joining me again. If you're new, then Welcome!

I'm sorry I missed the post last week - I had a disaster when we lost our internet - right in the middle of my working day! For someone who has not been without internet for more than 10 years, I was having a meltdown! 

In all fairness, I need the internet to be able to do my job, so it was a meltdown with good reason. Still, I did take advantage of the forced downtime to finish my blanket, crocheted and hand stitched together - a project I started a long while ago. 108 squares later and I'm done! It looks cute though. 

How am I getting on with lockdown? Normal life now isn't it? the washing hands a gazillion times a day, followed by the reach for the handcream and then back to work, sitting at the desk in the corner of the room. To give myself a break, I treat myself to a couple of laps of the living room - goodness only knows what the neighbours are making of it. 

In an attempt to distract me from our internet free zone, the boyf asked me what I wanted for my birthday - just weeks away again now. He knows I don't normally celebrate it - what's the point? Still, I said hew knew what I wanted for my birthday, but as it was never likely to appear, not to worry about getting me anything - I'm not one for getting gifts. I'm much more about giving gifts to others. 

Our balcony project is coming on nicely, just a couple of things to do and we'll have a lovely area to sit out and enjoy the evenings - I can't wait!

Well you'd think after more than a week, I would have more to update you on, but it just isn't the case. I haven't actually been out of the flat since the beginning of May, so I'll be making a sojourn out to go grocery shopping - I think that is still a thing anyway. 

Whatever you're doing, stay safe, look after each other. I'll catch you next week. 

X

Hey, welcome back! Glad to see you. 

Well another week of lockdown has passed and nothing much has changed here is our casa. 

I know there was an annoucement last week and for some people this means returning to their places of work, but for once i'm pleased by my offices' response, which was if you can work from home to do your job, work from home. Best news I've heard in weeks. 

I'm making plans at the moment so that the next time I go back to my home town, it will be to pack up my flat and make the move here permanent. I need to do this for my health, my sanity, and for me. Sounds selfish, I have a lot of friends in my home town who I will miss when I move permanently here, but I miss them now so what difference will it make? Also, I hate long drawn out goodbyes, so this would be perfect for me, kept on the downlow as it were, into the office long enough to sort my locker, grab the few belongings I have there, call dibs on my chair - you'd have to know my chair to understand and get out of there. 

What have I found out about myself this week? I'm settled here. I'm calmer in myself than I have been in years - yes, things still make me anxious, and some things still stress me out, but I know now that I belong here and I plan to make it happen this year. 

I'm learning to do things that I won't regret. I don't want to leave something and then wish I'd done it. I don't want to spend years thinking 'What if?'. 

Still, do I think the lockdown should remain? absolutely. I don't think we were tough enough in the lockdown to begin with. Other Countries had a much more zero tolerance approach and seemed to have better responses from those living there. Maybe we could learn something from them. It isn't for me to tell you what to do, heaven forbid. But I urge you to take the necessary precautions, stay safe, keep the social distance. Please. 

Take care, and I'll see you next time. x

 

Good Morning, welcome to a new edition of 'Me, Myself & I'. 

Another week has passed and we're still in lockdown but I actually feel like I'm getting the hang of it at last. Shopping delivery arranged so the boyf and I don't have to negotiate the trecherous task of braving an actual supermarket - and if I'm honest, the constant queuing is getting a bit boring now. 

I've spent some time this VE day weekend working on our home project, the new balcony is taking shape. It isn't a new balcony per se, just the old one the boyf used as storage is getting a face lift and is already looking better for a couple of coats of paint. Still a few things to do out there, but it is taking shape nicely and, I don't know about you, but I was finding the painting really theraputic. 

I found I could concentrate on the painting, doing the edges (as high as I could reach as the boyf will do the tops), then getting busy with the roller. I love to see the instant change made to the walls as the paint was going on. I can't wait to see how it is all going to look when it is finished. 

I'm getting back to my writing roots more and more as well. I have ideas in my head for a two book series as well as a couple more stand alones. I'm excited by my writing again for the first time in a while and I feel like I can achieve what I want now I have the time - being at home all of the time allows me to plan better and I plan to use my new little outdoor oasis during the warmer months to write out there and relax. 

I do at times feel like the pressure of constantly being home is getting to me and I long to go out, but I'm doing my bit to stay home and stay safe. I'm determined to come out the other side of this pandemic intact, and hopefully, with a semblance of sanity left. I don't care how this all started anymore, though I still wish we'd been told a lot sooner than we were, but I do care about how we end this. 

If you want things to change, do as you're told. Stay home. If you want to enjoy the sunshine, go out into your own garden if you have one. You realise everytime a news bulletin is shown around the world that shows Britain, and people out on the streets, it makes the Country look bad? You people out sunning yourselves in the warmer weather are making all of us look like a bunch of ignorant idiots who don't know what is good for us. 

I know there is always one person who believes that they are an exception to the rule, but really? are you trying to get yourselves in hospital, or killed with the virus? 

Here and now is a prime opportunity to do something good with your lives. Learn something with a new course, take up a new hobby that you've always wanted to do. Read a little more. Write that book you have always planned to write. Just don't put yourself and others at unnecessary risk because you don't know how to follow a simple instruction like STAY HOME. 

This is how I am coping with the pandemic. I spend my time trying to help others who seemingly don't want to help themselves. But, I have my own books to read, my own books to write as well as the laundry, so I'll leave with those thoughts for now. 

Take care, stay safe, stay home. Use technology for what it was designed for. Call a loved one, facetime them, use skype. But stay safe.