My NaNoWriMo features

Me, Myself & I - part eleven

Hi everyone, welcome back. 

For a couple of weeks I've wondered if I was finished with my little serial, 'Me, Myself & I'; but then I realised I would need to leave it a little more open in case I wanted to add a little more to it, like now. 

I suffer from Stress, Anxiety and Depression - not a great combination. Some aspects flare up more than others and at different times. This whole pandemic thing has not helped matters at all I can assure you of that. 

My other half has spent a lot of time away from the flat as he has caring responsibilities with a relative, but this in itself has created challenges for me, some that I'm still coming to terms with. Sadly for me, my family wasn't that close and so I am not used to having family be the centre point of my life - a long story in itself. Having my other half constantly making trips to see his relative and stay away for days at a time, only coming back maybe once a week or so has been really hard for me and something that has not really helped our relationship much at all. 

We've had a lot of arguments (if you count me shouting at him an argument) but nothing has changed, he is still going off for days at a time. 

He took me to Ikea on Saturday - the first time I have left the flat in weeks - literally not been out myself since the start of May! I actually liked that it was quieter in Ikea - I could look around without being rushed along in the crowds, I wasn't being jostled. I was being rushed by him though - my other half is not the most patient of people and has a tendancy to wander off when i'm talking to him, or I might look around to say something to him and he's gone again. Not a good look, standing there talking to yourself in Ikea, let me tell you. 

Yesterday, I was in a really dark place. I didn't want to be here at all yesterday. I just wanted to be gone out of the way. I couldn't think of any reason for me to be alive. My relationship was going downhill, I have no friends in London as I'm making to move away from my hometown of Nottingham, I have no contact with my family, what family I have left, I feel like I'm still grieving those I lost 5 years ago and I just wanted to be gone too. This was huge for me. I haven't been in that dark a place for a very long time and I scared myself when I realised to myself just how much I meant my thoughts. 

Why am I still here today then? I asked myself that first thing this morning. Truth is, I don't know. I've told my other half that I'm not happy in our relationship and that I was going to leave him, but in my head, I'm saying "I've given 5 1/2 years to this relationship. Fought so damned hard to make this work. I'm not giving up now". I know if I do leave him, that would be the end for me. I was alone for more than 10 years when I met him and I know I wouldn't find anyone else like him. 

This isn't a pity party by a long chalk. This is me being realistic to myself. I recognised I was feeling bad, feeling really down and just had to let myself feel it for a while. I cried my heart out, making myself look raw and in pain because I was. Then I turned my anger around and out of myself, channelled it into being productive instead. I literally moved things about in the flat, relaying the living room so I could at things from a new view, give the room a different perspective and I love it. 

Have I learned anything new this last weekend? Don't give up. I want to marry the man I'm with one day and I want us to make a life together. But he needs to learn too. He needs to learn how close to the edge I was on Sunday and count his blessings I am here today. 

Look after each other, stay safe. x

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